I hate writing. It helps me learn discipline, and gives me stability and confidence, but I despise it because I'm always motivated by other people. I am a robot because of my emotions. Everyone can lead me about like a dumb dog because of my sensitivities. I wish to rebel in every way. I am a prisoner. All of this ugliness inside me is buried deep like an awful wound, and as though the path I've chosen has no choices left.
I am so sad, for I feel like Sampson, whose only strength left could be lost merely by saying the wrong thing, and whose belief in the goodness of others has been burned and torn out of him for the wickedness which surrounds him. Well then is the story of Sampson always the same? Will I soon give out the one thing which keeps my strength, and die in one last blaze against my enemy, that may be impressive, but is the mission without a return ticket.
I am afraid to start a conversation. I don't know how to do it. So I hope not to participate, or to find that someone doesn't mind getting things started.
I hate rules. The primary feeling I feel from rules is that people just really hate who I am, and want me to fall in line and be the same so they don't have to think about me anymore. Well I'm not the same. Crush my heart. Smash every feeling and delightful thought. I tend to be frivolous in speech. The reason is that I keep so many rules, I don't know how to be nice without being funny. I am my own best friend, and though I fight hard for others, who can take up my cause? Actually I think there is more involved in my hating rules. I feel so bad to disappoint those around me. I feel so much in me that just wants simple friendships, but for the complicated challenge of being a friend. I tend to think there is some flaw holding me back, and I always go try to fix it, since I can't fix the real problems. I hate keeping rules, because keeping rules is so similar to someone taking advantage of your weakness for their own purpose. I never know how to say no to those who seek to abuse my kind heart. It's always a commitment to some service for them, when they never worry about what havoc it causes.
"Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged," Colossians 3:21
In retrospect, I wish my dad had that counsel in mind before this day. Speaking of discouragement, these writings shouldn't discourage you. I don't need to talk about the happy things to stay sane, but despite that fact I will try to balance this more.