Inflationary ego

This is Day 2 of my journalling. Ok it's not day 2 as in I wrote day 1 yesterday, but as in this is my second day to add to this new journal.

I find myself again in the computer labs, this time in the library. I have discovered most often in the library there will be people who decide to check people out instead of books.

Let's meet girl #1

There was this girl yesterday who I suspected was looking over at me frequently, even though she had to turn her chair to do it. I noticed that she turned her chair toward me and kept it that way for a while, so I decided to look back without any intention of hiding it. She was turned towards me with her eyes glancing away but, clearly keeping me in her peripheral vision. So I made sure to give a warm look no smiling, if there is such a thing. I have made it a habit recently that if I believe someone is checking me out, to just look down and laugh inaudibly which I did after seeing her turned around for so long. Very soon after, as though she was waiting for an idea or courage she got up, walked over nearly standing behind me and said "How's it going?" I didn't even know who it was, and I was surprised, so I just blurted out a mixed confident shaky "Goood!" Then she said "I just thought I'd say hi."

It's not like this is the first time a girl tried to get me to focus on her, but it certainly was the first complete stranger, as in I believe she had absolutely no excuse to assume any common interest, direction or grouping in life. I take this as a complement, or else as a sign of horny desperate women at USU. I think it's both. Gladly, I was not alone with her when I set her eyes aglow. I need my dignity whether I like it or not. You could only imagine what would've happened. And I could only dream about it.

Introducing my new-found ego

One good thing has happened to my ego recently. I can turn a tale of a woman talking with me into a woman flirting and chasing me or even further into a forward and sensual description by typing it out. It paints these women as lonely or even out-of-control in their desires for me. Kind of like the axe commercial. Like what I just did above. For the benefit or disgust of it, I have captured two more such tales of women which have been embellished as such below, but I insist were not invented or modified in the observable facts.

Girl #2

From catching the comment of a roommate of this girl next door, Meg, it seems she is the computer wiz in her apartment. So one day, despite her technical savoy, Meg asks me if she can help her set up a wireless connection from her laptop to my router. She was all alone in the apartment and wanted to see how I could help with connecting to my internet. So after some trial and error she brought her laptop over to my place and had me work on it for a while, and after a few minutes I configured the connection. The dialog pops up saying "Connection Strength: Excellent" on her screen. So then we walked back to her apartment, but the connection was lost. Couldn't find that connection anywhere in her apartment. So I go back to my apartment and try some things on my own laptop to discover what might work. Eureka! Being bored anyway, I hurried back to her place, and said I could try one more thing. Both times of course she had me come to her bedroom to work on the connection. I noticed the floor had many scraps of miscellaneous everywhere. The first time I came over I just held her laptop standing while I worked.

When I came over again I found her desk and started typing there, but she had a different idea clearly. She began quickly clearing a space on the floor. While she was going about this, I discovered from her laptop that she already had available a strong connection to a nearby apartment, and realized it wasn't worth any more effort. So I left her and her laptop alone, as it was in the start.

Girl #3

This girl that I find absolutely disgusting is sweet for some of my action. I was way out of her league, as her big mouth demonstrated, but she was persistent! I was in the same social gatherings as she on a few occasions and sometimes I would see a girl that looked sweet, and I talked with her. But she always just jumps right in the middle to interrupt all my conversations hoping that ruining it for me with other girls would make it happen for her and me.

Maybe I'm not so good at embellishing. At pain of girl #3, a therapeutic individual helped my cognition that possibly this negative attention from her was in fact her liking me instead of just cruelty. How can it be called embellishment when I can't believe or want either truth to manifest.

Clearly, there is a hierarchy of sophistication here. Meg's story certainly wins for the giggles and naughty suggestions. Wait... no. It was only in your mind, but I'll forgive your smiling and blushing. Second is the story of the girl who came up to me without any reason but left by my lack of inspiration in the moment. Last is, well, last. I can't be sure, but I think I saw her over a year later. She was staring at me in the gym. These women and stories are different classes by far, but I know now in confirmation of my ego that all three are driven by the same emotions. Sweet on me, desperate for my action, etc.