I hate rude awakenings. I guess when dreams are really good, that's the only kind. My projects are starting to fall together. The IPMI provider I wrote at work has most of the issues resolved. My database project now appears that it'll be half easy (and half hard), but I don't want to work on it anymore. My image processing project is just writing lots of simple functions, which worries me a little because if it doesn't work I might be stuck easily. Oh well.
I always have to find something to be paranoid about. This week it's the feeling that everyone is hearing my thoughts, and I wonder if there's something behind it driving the feeling that has nothing to do with it's implications. The simple answer is that I'm actually afraid that no one will hear the really amazing thoughts I have. But there's more I think. I see too much coincidence in everything. Events always seem to mimic my thinking, sometimes mock it. Quite frequently there's some idea I have for proving or exploring, like some math concept, and it seems I hold on to it, and not let it develop quickly. I imagine things surrounding the success of such an idea, and the world changing around me because of it. It's an escape from life as it is. Having to decide boring directions to take all the time, it's seems like my choice to take an exciting direction instead.
Back to the feeling I was describing. Part of that paranoia seems to come from the perception that everyone is a closed book, while I am just the opposite. It feels like judgment has been placed from those I interact with, and somehow that judgment decides who I am. In a small way it does. If I can't become anything more in another's mind than what people have decided about me, then I can't become anything more to that person. If a whole world surrounds me with this same dilemma of perception, then in this world I have been defined already. I cannot change unless they imagine it fresh. All of this is imagination, and fear, and emotion. Our collective perceptions define our realities. Your imagination can be the building blocks of my reality just as much as my own imagination.
When someone shows from their actions some quality missing in them, which are the quality I hope for, then what is missing in them, is stolen from me also. I held the belief, but the belief in the few cases which seemed most promising was entirely false. So much sameness surrounds everything. All the imagination inventing reality quickly dissolved into itself, and uniqueness is not found. Time causes change, but sameness for every minute alone.
I realize all the time that nothing changes. I have paranoia and fear of some new event occurring, but none of it is worthy of investment, for the sameness of it all, what fear except continuing in sameness is substantially justified? Is there reason to assume or fear anything behind a façade? Whatever it might be, it has not exempted itself from the sameness which swallows them too. Is any point of perspective always favorable or desirable, when it enlists to the sameness of every perspective? What perspective or state of existence is cool? Being free of a perspective sounds appealing. Perspectives are perhaps only different descriptions of the same reality. When has maintaining a perspective been any more than holding a teddy bear for comfort? What method of operation is there that is not in need of growing out of, whose flaws become it's theme?
I am a soul yearning to be free of everything. This idea sounds rather weak. Does ultimate freedom mean ultimate power, or else at least, an absolute lack of influence upon you? Does being free of everything demand absolute sameness?
Beauty is not beautiful. Every expression new might be ascribed to beauty, but from other perspectives is very old, and missing the quality it is admired for. Beauty then is only a perspective. These ideas are new and old. They are plagiarism on the past and future. The present of itself does not present anything but is an expression already found elsewhere. Is there any measure of anything free from perspective? If not, then I can find only the reality described by the perspective I choose. And I must then find my only reality is that which I describe. Then sameness may only be seen by one with a perspective of sameness. Beauty is seen from a perspective that can never remain the same. Is mutually ascribed everlasting beauty among people only a function of individuals who cannot maintain a consistent perspective of the others' attributes? Then is a parent's love for their child any different than the reverse. The child has the ever changing perspective from which to see the sameness of their parents. The parent has the ever changing reality of their growing child. The inability to find a consistent picture spawns beauty, sameness being the opposing component to it. Beauty giving inspiration and sameness providing boredom to form a reality as I decide who and what I love. That is, of course, if from my perspective beauty stays inspiring to me, and sameness affirms my boredom. Sameness is boring now. Enough sameness!