This has got to be a new personal record for writing for me.
I actually have 15 typed pages of
interesting commentary on my life, out of less than one semester of journalling.
I took one of those personality tests, and it says that now I am an INFP. I've never been that before. I was an INTJ, and more recently an INFJ, but the last category change is quite the development. Who says people can't change? So J→P means I went from "Judging" to "Perceiving". How a test can measure perception is quite the curiosity. Generally, I think I'm heading in the right direction. I don't know if I'll ever really go from an "I" to an "E" (introvert/extravert). And I don't remember what the "N" means so I don't know if that will ever change either. I only got 4 hours sleep last night. I was too cold I think, and I was thinking way too much. I tried being a charismatic funny personality, when I had the apartment to myself recently, and it worked great. I know I can be that person, who I am, but there is a barrier. I get really feeling awkward surrounded by lots of people, but you go where lots of people are to meet people. If by chance I get to know someone, without being this person, and things go as far as going on a walk together, they will definitely see who I am. But so far I am made up in the minds of others, as an unimpressive person. I don't want to impress anyone. I think for now I just want to meet people. I have such a negative view of people here generally that I think meeting people might change it, if it's not true.
I can have the greatest conversations and motivate myself to do some pretty tough things, I just need a little practice. I have nothing to prove to these people, I just want to give them one last chance to prove themselves to me. I'm getting better at getting the girls to come up to me. I just act more stuck up and aloof, and girls are jumping at the chance to crack me. But when they approach me, they crack me enough that they're not curious anymore. I go into automatic mode. These girls meet automatic mode version of me, not me. I'm as sick of him as they are. I ran away from the automatic mode version of me yesterday, when 2 girls approached me, wanting to talk. Why can't they think of anything more real to ask than "what's your major", etc. same dumb questions. I've seen other people try to overcome this by asking some really stupid questions, I don't want that either. In fact, it's not even the questions; it's the fact that they are all questions. Is this an interview, an interrogation? It's an online survey in person! They want these questions answered so much they should go date online; all you find out about them is answers to dumb questions.
I want to tell all of them, "No I will not answer your boring questions", and talk about all the humor and art locked inside me. Give me five minutes to talk to a girl this way, and she'll be hopeless, it's happened before but not with someone I wanted it to yet. I have 2 projects I need to finish, and yet I can't seem to make myself do them. So I type a journal instead. I've been feeling pretty sick recently, and have a headache and cough.
Women may think they want a sensitive guy, but I wonder sometimes whether this is ever true. I think I pick up on way more subtlety from them than I can ever get them to in me. I wonder if I'm sending any confusing signals, something muddying the water. But it seems that girls are just so easy to read, and the girls aren't willing to learn how to read me. The only time this super power is weakened is in a large crowd of people, where I'm receiving negative attention. I can't read anyone well then.
In fact, when I feel sad, it is the only time I've ever done poorly in school. It's never been a question of can I master the material. The grade is a larger measure of how I feel than what I know. I wonder if anyone is the same. If I've said any of this before, I apologize but you've heard it far less than the number of times my brain has turned it over.
I now realize that the primary reason I would continue school is not to learn more, but to show others what I've already learned. It's so trivial, and I feel the smarts in my head oozing out as I'm made to walk a line that teaches me nothing. There is a place I wish to find that is more than a collection of tricks in my mind. There is a group of people who mainly I've not met, who makes sense to me. For what it's worth I don't want to wait anymore to meet these people. Where are they hiding? Alex says that I need to network to find people. But I think the people I want to find will not be networked with the sort of people I live around. There is a hole in my perception of those I live around which I wish I could fill. But I wonder if it's missing only because it is darkness, and no light will be shed on these things.
I'm surprised at all the words I know, which mainly I don't use. I was playing this Mah-Jongg & Scrabble mixed game online Saturday. You have to spell out words from the stacks of letter tiles. It was very hard, but somehow I used every tile in spelling the words, without considerable forward planning. No more than one word ahead, but usually not even that. I can't explain it. It felt like some unusual combination of luck and skill.
I got up this morning, and took my car in to be fixed. It could have been the transmission because I couldn't shift gears well at all and I couldn't put it in park 2 nights before, when I came home. So they looked at it, and fixed it in a half hour It was just the shifter, which is what I was hoping. The bolts holding the cabling to the transmission were loose and falling out. They tightened and adjusted them, and it's like I have a new transmission!! (Only because I was dumb enough to go on believing it was that without ever having someone look at it, until it finally broke.) It cost 35 dollars and about 45 after I told them to replace the windshield wiper blade too.
There's one more worth mention; a great joke. I went to the gym today after this, for an hour or so. Alex told me that everyone is very self conscious at the gym. I think he's right. I break all the certainties of life though. When they saw me work out, everyone seemed to relax much more. I didn't care how I looked while exercising, aside from the basic composure. As a compliment to me, I went to one machine where only two girls were working out, and when I was done using the machine there were five girls all close by. I must look a lot tougher than I really am.
It looks like 3 pages a day is about average for me. I think this a good place to stop, because I'm boring myself to death.