I just met another girl that seems really nice. It probably doesn't matter, because she hasn't really met me. She met doesn't say much version of me, which even I don't much appreciate. I found a very strange coping mechanism for when I do or feel something completely awkward. Maybe I'll tell you about it some time. I think my secrets are probably the most obvious thing about me anyway, so I don't know what's the point.
I love people, and I feel mostly pain for the situations they find, but I care greatly for them, because it's the easiest to love someone when you have carried their pain. I don't think I like this. I really end up taking on the person who I empathize with, and I start to think and behave similarly. I don't know truly but I see my own behaviors so closely tied to that of others. And yet somehow in all this, I cannot return the connection being made, for, for all the feelings I share, they aren't turned into words. Sure they are words here, but they are not shared in person. This girl's name was Megan I think. I never met her really, but it sounded like she has big dreams. In empathy, I wanted to bring to her dreams the resources needed to fulfill them, but I don't know how I could manage it. And besides all this empathy on the bitter side makes me feel like a sucker. How easily would I pour my life into another's ambition.
Do I love God only for the good he can do for me? I think so, because when given something I don't want, I don't feel love so strong. It's drowned out by the questions of why, how can this be turned for good, or can something so bitter be made sweet?
I so quickly love someone for who they are without disgust, but how can I hope to be loved for anything other than a value add to their situation? And perhaps one day I may not be valuable, which is just as valuable as I often feel. Then what? Will no love continue irrespective of myself?
Is love still beautiful when it is only a reflection? And what of God, whose love is met all the moreso by poor reflections. He first loved, so what can I say more?